How To: Live With a Broken Heart
by Miss Number 1333641
Summary: This one goes out to all of you who've had your heart smashed at some point. This one's for us. AkuRoku, slight HayRoku, T for safety.


**How To...**

**Live with a Broken Heart**

First, you fall. Off a cliff, out of a plane, down the stairs, off your chair. It doesn't matter how hard, it doesn't matter how fast. You just fall. You won't see it coming, and you won't be able to avoid it when it happens. You finally realize that when you see him your heart flutters. You discover that when you're both tipsy, you like to hold hands. You figure out that you've wanted to kiss him since day one.

Now that you've fallen, here comes the good part: shattering.

It doesn't matter how or why you shatter. It could be that he's leaving to join the army. It could be that he feels like he took advantage of you and is distancing himself. You don't want to get attached, and you walk away before it starts. He thinks you took advantage of him. He's dating someone else and you never had a chance in the first place. He's a redheaded son of a bitch who is just completely and totally an asshole whose skull you want to crush until those green eyes pop out of his crappy, cheating head.

However it happens that you fall and whyever it is that you shatter, both happen, and what are you left with? You have a heart full of anguish. You have a head full of thoughts of "why?" and "what if?", you lie awake at night thinking of him. You text your friends asking what the hell you should do. Sora says it's okay, that you did nothing wrong and you'll move on. Riku says that you'll get over him, not to worry, and asks if you want to drink your sorrows away or get high and forget. Demyx hugs you and asks you if you want to go to the club looking for guys with him, ones who will treat you better, or if you just want to dance like a crazy person and look hot because he'll pick out your clothes. Kairi tells you that it's just how guys are, and that she's been there before, and it sucks but you'll live. Namine doesn't say anything because she's never been there, so she just opens her arms and gives you a hug because that's what she can do. Larxene tells you she'll always be there, and that she has a good place to hide the body if you need it. It makes you smile weakly, but nothing else. It doesn't take the pain away, it doesn't make anything better. It doesn't mean that when you hear or see something that reminds you of him that your heart won't twist. It doesn't mean that you won't dream about him almost every night. It doesn't do anything. You're still suffering. You still hate every minute you're thinking about him, which just happens to be a significant number of minutes of the day.

So what do you do? You try to forget, you try to move on. You go to college, just like you're supposed to, and you leave him behind. You're not sure of your major, but you figure you'll find it out on the way. You take a writing class, and try to vent your emotional frustration that way. It helps, but only a little. You stalk his Facebook page, looking at the pictures of him even though it hurts so badly. You try to go out and meet others, but not a one is as great as he was. You change your clothes, because you never feel good-looking because he didn't want you. You wear tighter tops, skinnier and sexier jeans, and you smile at guys who look your way. They look at you longer when they pass on the street. They smile at you. You talk to them, and they invite you to parties. You go, but you don't drink; drinking makes you think of him even more. You go home, curl up in bed, alone, and think about why you aren't good enough. The list is long. You sigh and bury your face in the pillow.

You're losing weight. Your friends tell you that you don't look so good, but you shrug it off and laugh. "It's just stress, you know how it is!" "It's the stairs here, they're killing me...whoever invented a 4th floor is evil!" "Eh, I was up late last night writing a paper." "Don't worry about it, I just couldn't sleep, it happens." "Well thanks, you look great too, bitch! I'm just kidding." You feel yourself losing...something. You don't know what it is, but when you smile it's not the same. Your hair looks limp and dead. You have no energy. You try not to think about him and wind up not thinking about anything at all. Your friends worry more because you space out in the middle of a conversation. It's because you were going to think of him, and you sort of shut down. You change the subject. You decide to get a job.

Work helps. You have a focus; money. Do what your boss tells you, treat the customers nicely, get tips. You work as a waiter. Your feet hurt. Your knees hurt. Your arms hurt from the plates that are burning hot from the pass bar. Your face hurts from smiling at the customers. You adopt a new voice, a fake sugary one that makes it seem like you're always doing great and you are genuinely interested in the customer's comfort and satisfaction. You can lose yourself here. It's better than anything else, and you have money to pay for classes. Your body aches but it distracts you from your aching heart.

You come home and pass out.

You're sleeping better, and because you're working so hard you're eating better. You look better. You feel a little better. Things start looking up. Then he shows up again. Perfect timing.

The cycle repeats, but this time your friends are less sympathetic. "Get _over_ him Roxas, it's ripping you up!" "What's the point in torturing yourself like this?" "What does Axel have that other guys don't?" That last one was easy. He has your heart. He's not letting go, and you can't either. You can't control your heart, and others can't make you. But Axel doesn't know he has it. It's pinned to his back, a giant "KICK ME!" sign that everyone else can see but him. He knows you like him but thinks you're still into Hayner.

Hayner was the "love" of your life, but you never got to have him. You liked him because he was unattainable; your best friend. But Axel is different, and at least you know he thinks you're pretty enough to make out with on the beach. Well, at least he did when he was drunk. That thought makes your heart break more. You start thinking there's no point to anything anymore.

You try religion. It helps others, why not you? Catholicism isn't for you. Neither is Judaism. You don't like the Baptist or Episcopalian churches, either. You don't understand all the rules of Hinduism and Islam. Buddhism doesn't reach you either. You visit all these churches and research the religions and you're still stumped. You decide to create your own religion; Tom Cruise did it, didn't he?

You decide that creating your own religion is too much work. You forget about it. You throw yourself into school. You throw yourself into work. You throw yourself on the dance floor when you go out with your friends. Everything and anything to not think about him. It sucks, and it's tough. You try your hardest and he still worms his way in sometimes. You think about him in the dead of night, when you're trying to fall asleep. You still wake up from dreams about him and wish that you were still there. You still have a gut-wrenching attack of heartache when you see a picture of him. The only thing is that now you've grown into it; you're used to it. It's no longer debilitating. You're accustomed to it, like a handicap. It's still there and it still makes life difficult, but you've learned to live with it and work around it. You don't let it ruin your life anymore.

In order to live with a broken heart, for a while you'll be dead. You just have to know that the pieces are all there, it'll only take a while to put them back together again.

* * *

><p>After sitting down and sorting through his old college stuff (finally, it took him long enough, damn), Roxas came across an old short story he wrote when he was a stupid, heartbroken freshman. He read through the story time and time again, and he thought to himself about when the last time he had felt that way was. It really had been a while. Here he was, a successful young man of twenty-three years, with a Master's degree and a new place and a wonderful guy in his life. He had a new job and a new outlook on life: life is good. It doesn't always go your way, but it is <em>life<em> and you can do whatever you want with it.

Roxas grinned at his old short story, then grabbed a pen and drew an arrow to the back of the page. He finished it all over again, adding what happens when finally you've rehabilitated enough to get off your crutches, out of your wheelchair, and back into the world as a new person. As he was scribbling the last sentence of his newly revised life story, his best friend in the world and the love of his life came into the room.

"Hey, Roxy, are you done unpacking all your old crap yet? The welcoming party is already here," he said, smiling that terrible, wonderful smile he had.

"Yeah, I got distracted," Roxas laughed. "I found something that helped me get over a broken heart one time, and I added to the ending."

"Oh? What did you add?" his lover asked, walking over.

"Nothing special, just that they all lived happily ever after," Roxas said, smiling with his entire being as he kissed the best person in his world.

His lover made a face and mumbled, "sap." This, of course, earned him a whack upside the head, quite a feat for their differences in height, and Roxas ran out of the room yelling, "EVERYONE, GRAB STICKS AND BATS, AXEL HAS AGREED TO BE OUR PINATA!"

Axel chased after Roxas yelling, "You know I reserve that for the bedroom, Roxy!"

And the story lay on the floor, forgotten, with a messy scrawl on the back that said:

_...But then, once all the pieces have been glued back together, which does take a while, you're a person again. You're able to live, you're able to love, and you realize that you never really lost anything at all. You stop hating him, and you learn to live with the fact that people make mistakes; he made a mistake when he hurt you, you made a mistake when you trusted him. The beautiful thing about mistakes, though, is that you learn from them, and you grow from them. He doesn't disappear from your life, and suddenly you're okay with that. In fact, eventually you're friends again. It's never the way it was before, and it never will be again, but in a way that's beautiful. It's beautiful because since it will never be the same, you'll never know what to expect. Life is still full of mysteries, and then one day you might just realize that the two of you are still in love, and that nothing in the world will change that. You get back together, you graduate, you get a new job, the two of you buy a new place together, and you start a new life. Will it be happily ever after? You don't know, but you decide you're going to have the time of your life figuring it all out._

* * *

><p><em><em>**This is a real story that I wrote my freshman year of college when I had a broken heart. He didn't cheat on me, but take all those other reasons I mentioned and smush them all together and that was the mess of our not-break-up, because we were never really together. After I wrote this, I was still really bad for a long time, but eventually I forgot all about my "Axel". No, we're not together, and no, we never will be. But this is a story, and it deserves a happy ending, right? Besides, I've actually got a chance with my "Hayner", so fingers crossed, right? **

**(Also, originally this story had NOTHING to do with KH, so if you spot any inconsistencies lemme know. Thanks!**)


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